Abstinence Makes the Church Grow Fondlers
Honk If Your Religious Beliefs Make You An Asshole
Intelligent Design Makes My Monkey Cry
Too Stupid to Understand Science? Try Religion.
There's A REASON Why Atheists Don't Fly Planes Into Buildings
"Worship Me or I Will Torture You Forever. Have a Nice Day." God.
God Doesn't Kill People. People Who Believe in God Kill People.
If There is No God, Then What Makes the Next Kleenex Pop Up?
He's Dead.It's Been 2,000 years.He's Not Coming Back.Get OVER It Already!
All religion is simply evolved out of fraud, fear, greed, imagination, and poetry. Edgar Allen Poe.
Viva La Evolución!
Actually, If You Look It Up, The Winter Solstice Is The Reason For The Season
I Wouldn't Trust Your God Even If He Did Exist
Cheeses Is Lard. Argue With THAT If You Can.
People Who Don't Want Their Beliefs Laughed at Shouldn't Have Such Funny Beliefs
Jesus is Coming? Don't Swallow That.
Threatening Children With Hell Is FUN!
GOD - APPLY DIRECTLY TO FOREHEAD!
Jesus Told Me Republicans SUCK
God + Whacky Tobacky = Platypus
God Doesn't Exist. So, I Guess That Means No One Loves You.
When the Rapture Comes, We'll Get Our Country Back!
Q. How Do We Know the Holy Ghost Was Catholic?A. He Used the Rhythm Method Instead of a Condom.
You Say "Heretic" Like It Was a BAD Thing
I Love Christians. They Taste Like Chicken.
Science: It Works, Bitches.
"Intelligent Design" Helping Stupid People Feel Smart Since 1987
I Found God Between The Sheets
I Gave Up Superstitious Mumbo Jumbo For Lent
My Flying Monkey Can Beat Up Your Guardian Angel
Every Time You Play With Yourself, God Kills a Kitten
If God Wanted People to Believe in Him, Then Why Did He Invent Logic?
Praying Is Politically Correct Schizophrenia
ALL Americans Are African Americans
I Forget - Which Day Did God Make All The Fossils?
I Was An Atheist Until The Hindus Convinced Me That I Was God
The Spanish Inquisition: The Original Faith-based Initiative
If we were made in his image, when why aren't humans invisible too?
JESUS SAVES....You From Thinking For Yourself
How Can You Disbelieve in Evolution If You Can't Even Define It?
Q. How Can You Tell That Your God is Man-made?A. If He Hates All the Same People You Do.
Every Time You See a Rainbow, God is Having Gay Sex
I Went to Public School in Kansas and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt and a Poor Understanding of the Scientific Method.
WWJD = We Won. Jesus Died.
The Family That Prays Together is Brainwashing the Children
Oh, Look, Honey Another Pro-lifer For War
Another Godless Atheist for Peace and World Harmony
God is Unavailable Right Now. Can I Help You?
No Gods. No Mullets.
Since you were so good, and made it this far, here's a few more:
If God had intended me to go to church, he would have given me a bigger ass to sit on and a smaller brain to think with.
Militant Atheists: We use words and reason, rather than bullets or planes
Militant Agnostic: I don't know, AND NEITHER DO YOU!"
Don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church
What schools need is a moment of science
Honk if you understand punctuated equilibrium
If God had wanted us to worship him, he'd have made it easier by existing
When the Rapture Comes, Can I Have Your Car?
Religion is for people who don't understand science
The last time we mixed politics and religion, people got burned at the stake
God is not a name; it's a job description
I cherish everyone's right to their religious beliefs, no matter how comical
If we were made in His image, then why aren't humans invisible too?
Who created the big bang?
Jesus has risen! Bake at 350 degrees 35 to 40 minutes
Oh God! Come out, come out, wherever you are
Non-judgement day is near
Religion is merely humanity's attempt to communicate with the weather
Apes evolved from creationists
We've found the body. Easter cancelled
Your brain is your shepherd
Atheism is myth-understood
The only church that enlightens is the one that burns
Men have nipples. Intelligent Design?!
Does Jesus believe in dinosaurs?
If we're all God's children, then what makes Jesus so special?
Jesus saves! The rest of us use credit cards.
Born right the first time, thanks!
Jesus saves, Moses invests, Buddha recycles
Jesus Slaves
Jesus had a bad weekend for your sins
Why understand, when you can believe
I found Jesus: he was behind the couch all along
I'll support prayer in the schools when they teach math in church
Religion is a crutch for people who can't think for themselves
God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him
Jesus saves, by shopping wisely and using coupons
Out of the Ooze and born to cruise
Did God make Darwin's Brain?
A man without god is like a fish without a bicycle
My dinosaur ate your jesus fish
Your heaven would be hell for me
Atheism isn't a religion. It's a personal relationship with reality
Jesus is coming -- look busy!
They say seeing is believing, Has anyone seen god?
----
Explanation of Christianity in one sentence:
The belief that a cosmic Jewish zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree
Obligatory jokes:
Q: Why did all the chicks dig Jesus?
A: (Stand and spread arms wide) Because he was hung like THIS!!
_______________________
Jesus Christ is dying on the cross, his disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, "Peter, come hither!"
Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disciples when he hears Jesus calling again, "Peter, come hither!"
So, again Peter tries to climb the cross to get to his lord, when the roman soldier draws his sword and chops Peter's arm off. Peter is getting a little pissed and wants to go back to his buddies, but again Jesus summons. The roman guard can't believe that Peter is trying yet AGAIN to climb to the cross, and chops off another arm. Peter is now covered in blood and demented from the blow to the head and wants to call it a day. Jesus hoarsly croaks, "Peter, please, come to me!"
By now, the roman guard is tired of chopping limbs, so he lets Peter be. The faithful disciple struggles to climb the cross (without arms mind you) and after a long while he finally arrives at his Lord's side. Hurting, suffering, bleeding, Peter looks into his Master's eyes and asks, "yes, my Lord. What is it?"
Jesus smiles lovingly and looks off into the distance as a weak smile plays across his face, "Look Peter, I can see your house from here!"
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Jesus came upon a small crowd who had surrounded a young woman they believed to be an adulteress. They were preparing to stone her to death.
Jesus walked into their midst and said: "Whoever is without sin among you, let them cast the first stone."
The crowd dropped their stones and walked away with their heads hung in shame, and all that is left is one old lady.
Suddenly, the old lady picked up a huge rock and lobbed it at the young woman, scoring a direct hit on her head, and she collapsed dead on the spot.
Jesus walked over to the old lady and said: "Sometimes, Mother, you really piss me off."
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I seen this one the other day
ReplyDelete"Know god, no peace- NO god, know peace"
this is really sad. I will pray for you all. but you will see one day.
ReplyDeleteJesus Saves...by switching to Geico!
ReplyDelete