God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God's Total Quality Management Questionnaire

God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

How Did You Find Out About Your Deity?


___Newspaper
___Bible
___Torah
___Book of Mormon
___Divine Inspiration
___Dead Sea Scrolls
___Television
___Tabloid
___My Mama Told Me
___Burning Shrubbery
___Near Life Experience
___Near Death Experience
___National Public Radio
___Other (please specify): _______________

Which Model Deity Did You Acquire?


___Yahweh
___Jehovah
___Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
___Krishna
___Allah
___Zeus & entourage (Olympus Pak)
___Satan
___Gaia / Earth Mother
___Odin & entourage (Valhalla Pak)
___Jesus
___Mithra
___God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
___None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

Did Your God Come To You Undamaged, With All Parts In Good
Working Order and With No Obvious Breakage or Missing Attributes?

___Yes
___No

IF NO, please indicate the problems you initially encountered here.
Check all that apply:

___Not eternal
___Finite/Does not occupy the entire cosmos
___Not omniscient
___Not omnipotent
___Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)
___Permits sex outside of marriage
___Prohibits sex outside of marriage
___Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, et al)
___Permits bad things to happen to good people
___Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo full of Jews)
___When beseeched, doesn't stay besecheed

Requires:

___burnt offerings ___virgin sacrifices ___foreskins

What Factors Were Relevant In Your Decision to Acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply.

___Indoctrinated by parents
___Needed a reason to live
___Indoctrinated by society
___Needed focus in whom to despise
___Imaginary friend grew up
___Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
___Hate to think for myself
___Wanted to meet girls/boys
___Fear of death
___Wanted to piss off parents
___Fear of life
___Needed a day away from work
___Desperate need for certainty
___Like organ music
___Need to feel Morally Superior
___Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
___Shit was falling out of the sky
___My shrubbery told me to do it

Are You Currently Using Medication?

___Yes
___No

Have You Ever Worshipped a Deity Before?
If so, please check false god(s) you were fooled by.

___Mick Jagger
___Cthulhu
___The Almighty Dollar
___Bill Gates
___Left Wing Liberalism
___The Radical Right
___The Sun
___Baal
___Ra
___The Moon
___Beelzebub
___The Designated Hitter Rule
___The Great Spirit
___The Great Pumpkin
___Cindy Crawford
___A burning shrubbery
___Elvis
___Dennis Rodman
___Tinky Winky
___Other: _________________

Are You Currently Using Any Other Source of Inspiration Besides God?
Check all that apply.


___Tarot
___Astrology
___Lottery
___Television
___Fortune cookies
___Ann Landers
___Dianetics
___Palmistry
___Psychic Friends Network
___Self-help books
___Biorhythms
___Masturbation
___Alcohol
___Barack Obama
___Hollywood
___Tea Leaves
___EST
___CompuServe
___Mantras
___Jimmy Swaggert
___Crystals
___Human Sacrifice
___Pyramids
___Wandering around the desert
___Insurance policies
___Burning shrubbery
___Tinky Winky
___Barney Fife
___Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll
___Other: _________________

God Employs a Limited Degree of Divine Intervention to Preserve
a Balanced Level of Felt Presence and Blind Faith.
Your Preference Is? Check all that apply.

___More Divine Intervention
___Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
___Less Divine Intervention
___Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

God Also Attempts to Maintain a Balanced Level of Disasters
and Miracles...Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the
following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent).

DISASTERS:
_____ Flood
_____ Famine
_____ Earthquakes
_____ War
_____ Pestilence
_____ Plague
_____ SPAM
_____ AOL
_____ Plague

MIRACLES:
_____ Rescues
_____ Spontaneous remissions
_____ Crying statues
_____ Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
_____ Water changing to wine
_____ Water changing to ice
_____ Walking on water
_____ VCRs that set their own clocks
_____ Saddam Hussein still alive
_____ Getting any sex whatsoever

Do You Have Any Additional Comments or Suggestions For Improving The Quality
of God's Services?(Attach an additional sheet if necessary)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently
located drop-off boxes at least 30 days before the Rapture, you will be entered in the
One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one
in 6.023 x 1023, depending on number of beings entered).